Please forgive me. I know this is a day we should be celebrating as the birthday of the United States of America, but I’m not feeling very celebratory. You see today was the due date of the first baby I lost. So, I’m feeling sad and I feel like throwing myself a little pity party.
I know there will be those of you who will say that it just wasn’t meant to be. I understand that and have even tried to tell myself that same thing. But this was a baby we planned on and very much wanted. The moment I knew I was pregnant I dreamed of how this baby’s life would be. I imagined this baby in our family. I envisioned my son and this baby together. So even though the miscarriage happened very early in the pregnancy to me it was still my baby. I even had a strong feeling that it would have been a little girl. Big really wanted the baby to be a girl.
The miscarriage hit us hard when it happened. All these months later it still hits me. Not everyday. Not every moment. But out of the blue I will get a wave of grief over the loss of my baby. Today on what could have been my baby’s birthday I am hit in the gut and the heart with the grief, the sadness, and the disappointment of what we lost.
So forgive me if I put on a fake smile today and pretend it’s a day to celebrate. In my heart I’m crying. I’ll do the best I can to hide it so those around me won’t feel uncomfortable but inside I know how I really feel.
It’s an unhappy non-birthday for me and the baby that “wasn’t meant to be.”