For weeks now I’ve been trying to put into words how I’ve been feeling about certain events in my life and decisions I need to make. I don’t know how well this is going to come out but I feel like I need to get this weight off my chest.
I went to the reproductive endocrinologist. Yesterday I had a hysteroscopy and some cultures done. I won’t go into the details except to say that they look at your uterus for abnormalities and test for certain bacteria. Any abnormal findings could explain the miscarriages I’ve had. The test itself is really no big deal, however, lately I’ve been having a hard time emotionally with everything involving infertility, treatments, testing, conceiving, pregnancy, thoughts of another baby. I’ve cried several times over things that in the past never phased me or made me feel happy or like I was moving in a better direction. Yesterday was another crying day.
I’m not sure exactly why I’m feeling this way. I’m not even sure I can accurately describe what it is I am feeling. All I know is that I don’t feel emotionally strong enough to properly handle all this stuff life has thrown my way. This all started shortly after my second miscarriage. In a nutshell I feel stressed, scared, vulnerable, and strangely alone in all this. I put off making the appointment with the RE for a few months until I finally got up the nerve to at least have a consultation visit. That was back on July 2nd. Since then I’ve had what is called Day Three blood tests done and now the hysteroscopy. I cried the day the blood work was done. I seriously had to talk myself into going to the lab. I cried on my way to the appointment yesterday and again on the way home.
All this crying has nothing to do with the results. My blood work came back promising. My fears that maybe menopause was right around the corner seem to be unfounded. The pictures of my uterus looked good. Now I just have to wait 7-10 days to find out if there is some bacterial infection or if the biopsy done yesterday reveals anything. I’ve gotten positive results (positive in the not so good way) in the past on bacterial infections. It’s a simple fix that antibiotics can clear up and it could very likely explain why I lost two babies.
So, why all the crying and drama? Here’s why – I’m scared and conflicted in my feelings. And if I really let myself admit it I’m depressed. I lost two babies. Okay, I know there are some of you that would say they weren’t babies yet so what’s the big deal. To me they were babies. I don’t care what anyone else thinks, that’s just how it is for me. I have tried to play this off like it’s just one of those things in life. But apparently I can’t fool myself any longer. The reality is that I’m in mourning and the thought of possibly losing a third baby has me feeling sick and like I have no control over anything. My ability to just relax and enjoy every stage of conceiving and pregnancy is gone. Take it from me, if infertility doesn’t wipe out your innocence then miscarriage certainly will.
At the moment I can’t decide whether I should continue to pursue the possibility of another child or just call it a day. Theoretically I want more children. Realistically I’m scared as hell. I’m not sure I can go through fertility treatments again. I’ve been a human pin cushion ever since that first miscarriage in November. The thought of more poking and prodding has me feeling less than excited. I have an unfilled prescription for Clomid. I’m holding out on having it filled for two reasons. The first because I want to get all the diagnostic testing done to make sure there isn’t a problem that needs correcting or that will tell me that there is no chance of having more children. The second reason is because me on Clomid is like me on PMS times 10,000. It’s not a pretty sight. Last time I wasn’t the mom of an active toddler so if I wanted to cry, scream, and act nuts only Big had to deal with it. This time I’m scared that I might lose control and hurt Shorty. How the heck can I deal with a very active and demanding toddler when I’m in crazy, hormones-in-overdrive mode?
Then there is the little fact that I can’t take Shorty with me to my appointments at the RE’s office as they will not allow it due to the sensitivity of those women who have not been fortunate enough to have had a child. I still haven’t done anything about finding another babysitter yet. I know there is some deep rooted thing going on in my subconscious as to why I haven’t found a babysitter especially since I so desperately need some time to myself. I’m not up to psychoanalyzing that at the moment. Big can’t take off every time they need to monitor some little change in my cycle so until I find a reliable sitter I’m in limbo. All excuses, I know, to mask the real reason why I’m not pushing forth with this whole conceiving business.
So, let’s get down to my real fears. If I do get pregnant again I’ll be stressed and worried every second of every minute of every hour of every day of the whole pregnancy. I will wait for the bubble to burst. I’ll expect to lose that baby too. How can I ever just enjoy being pregnant with that hanging over me? And what if I really do lose a third pregnancy? Will it be the thing that sends me over the edge?
Here’s another fear – what if I’m placed on bed rest? Who in the hell is going to take care of Shorty? Big has to work. There’s no help from family or close friends available. No babysitter as of yet. And even if we do manage to figure out the care logistics how much would something like that cost? How will we make Shorty understand that mommy can’t take care of him? And how will I get over the fact that I’m not one of those women that can have two, three, four children, be pregnant, and still take care of her responsibilities? I look at women like that and just feel inadequate next to them. Why oh why can’t I just have normal pregnancies?
Another fear is that I will be told I’m having twins or, heaven forbid, triplets or more. Mix my age and the fertility drugs and I could be setting myself up for a doozy. How will my body ever hold multiples. Will they be born premature? Will they have health problems? And how will I take care of multiple babies and Shorty? What if I’m one of those women who is told there are like five babies in there? Big is against selective abortion. I know that the chance of having five healthy babies is highly unlikely and could be a real risk for me and the babies. I lean toward selective elimination for health reasons. But how does one decide which of your babies to abort? How do Big and I get to a place where one doesn’t resent the other because of whatever decision might be made?
Okay, now let’s leave behind all the doom and gloom scenarios. Let’s say I get pregnant, all goes well, 40 weeks later a healthy baby is born. I am now the mom of two kids. How do I manage this? I’m realizing lately that I am burnt out. I need some time to myself and it isn’t coming. I can’t keep up the pace that I’ve been going at for the last two years for much longer and I certainly can’t do two kids in the manner in which I’ve handled Shorty. So, which kid gets the short end of the mommy stick? Does the second kid get screwed because I can’t give him my undivided attention like I gave Shorty or does Shorty have to have his whole world turned completely upside down because mommy is now too busy taking care of the baby’s needs and can’t cater to all his many demands or be the same mommy he’s known for the last two years? Will Big help out more than he does now? Will I be able to handle being home alone with TWO kids when Big is traveling? And when will I ever get time for just me again? Or will I just collapse either physically or mentally (or perhaps both) from sheer exhaustion and stress?
So, to sum it all up I’m scared. Scared of having another miscarriage. Scared of not being well enough to take care of Shorty. Scared that I may have a baby who has medical issues. Scared that I won’t have the mental or physical strength to handle more disappointment. Scared that I’ll have twins or more with all these drugs. Scared that having another child will throw me over the edge and I’ll have a breakdown. Scared that I will never see the day when I will feel like I can reclaim time for myself without feeling guilty. Scared that I’m not cut out for this and my child(ren) will be horribly scarred for life. Scared that if I do ever see that time in life when I can focus on myself and my own needs again that I will have no idea who I am or what the hell I should do.
So there you have it. That’s me at my most neurotic. I’m second guessing whether or not I am a good enough mom to the one I have and should even be considering having another. I’m freaking out at the thought that I could lose another baby. I’m mentally fragile to say the least. I’m also dragging my feet in the hopes that either it will all go away or something will happen that will take the decision right out of my hands. If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go have that breakdown now.