Today I took the first dose of Clomid.  I’ve been given five pills and have been told to take one a day for the next five days.  Now I sit on pins and needles wondering how I will react.

Let me roll back the clock three years.  It was October and after three years of fruitlessly trying to conceive Big and I started down the road of fertility treatment (or is that infertility treatment?).  I was given Clomid that October too.  It was a high dosage to be taken for three days with the dose diminishing on each day.  I went nuts.  I was anxious, irritable, a raving, screaming, hormonal lunatic.  I couldn’t concentrate on the real estate notes I was trying to study to take my state exam.  I yelled at no one or at Big if he was home.  I actually laid down on the floor and kicked my feet and screamed.  It was not a pretty sight.  Thankfully, I got pregnant with Shorty and didn’t have to take the dreaded Clomid two months in a row.

Knowing how horrific my experience was last time I have been in a panic about what life on Clomid while taking care of a two year old is going to be like.  So far other than some hot flashes it hasn’t been too bad, but it hasn’t even been 12 hours since I took the first pill.  I’m guessing that if anything is going to happen it will really kick on this weekend.  Then whoa, Nelly, look out!  All hell could break loose.

I almost didn’t do take the Clomid this month.  Honestly, I’m not sure I’m ready to start trying for another baby.  After losing two I’m really scared.  But here’s the thing, my next birthday is coming in January.  When I had Shorty I said that if I wasn’t pregnant with the next child before this upcoming birthday then I wasn’t having any more kids.  Of course, I didn’t write this in blood so I can change my mind but there is this nagging voice in my head (and also Big’s voice next to me) saying it’s now or never.  If not this month then when?  The real truth is that if I let fear run my life I’ll convince myself that it’s never the right time.

As anyone who knows me will tell you I could make a career out of inventing excuses as to why things shouldn’t be done.  Most of the time these excuses are a ploy to hide the fact that I’m scared shitless and about to go out of my comfort zone.  So, this time I’ve decided that I’m going to force myself to go beyond the fear and see where the chips fall.  I’ll have to take each day and each decision one at a time.  Yesterday’s decision was taking the prescription for Clomid that has been sitting in my purse since July to the pharmacy to be filled.  Today’s decision was to actually take the pill.  We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I’m going to begin and end each day with a prayer that asks for patience, strength, and peacefulness to help guide me through this.  I’m going to pray that my hormones don’t get as out of whack as last time so I don’t scare the daylights out of my child.  And I’m going to ask for a bit of luck that all goes as well as it did when we found out we were going to be blessed with Shorty.  Wish me luck.

This entry was posted in Changes, Children, Family, Health, Infertility, Loss, Mommy Worry, Motherhood, Personal Growth. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to C-Day

  1. faemom says:

    Some suggestions (Just because it sounds like a horrendous case of PMS):
    We, your faithful readers, will take the rant from you, so you don’t have to freak out at Shorty or Big.
    Or, write to your local congress person or the President, and rant at them for everything they’re doing wrong (very theraputic and maybe even helpful)
    Or write it all down on a piece of paper and rip it up.
    Or go walking or running.
    Good luck. We’re with you.

  2. Val says:

    Fellow Philly Blog Mom here!

    Wow! I can’t begin to imagine the process you are beginning. And since you have been through it before, you know what’s to come. It’s almost like child birth only you are at the beginning.

    Here’s to hoping all goes well this time around. That you remain sane and are able to deal with your little one at the same time.

    And if you need to type out some of your frustrations, go for it!

  3. Kristine says:

    Ah Clomid, the tiny little pill of insanity. I had the joy of taking it three different times. The second time I took it I quit my job. I have a friend who painted her kitchen purple one day when she was taking it.

    I can say though that the third time I took it was nothing like the second time and I stayed relatively sane. So here is wishing the same for you. And, that you get pregnant with it and don’t have to travel any further into the world of infertility. But, if you do, and you would like some great online resources for IF support, drop me a line. I’ve been through it all.

    And a little assvice from someone you don’t know at all…don’t put so much pressure on yourself to be pregnant by a certain age, m’kay?! I had my little one just months before turning 40, when my older was almost five. It’s all turned out great for us.

    Anyway…welcome to the Philly Mom blog’s and I look forward to reading more! And hearing some very happy news from you in a couple weeks!

  4. classymommy says:

    welcome to the philly moms group! love your site. sounds like it might be a tough road ahead – i just hope that it will work out again for you right away. stay strong and maybe somehow baby #1 will make it easier (yeah kids aren’t a lot of work right ha ha ha !) in the end you know it is always worth it – remember the prize – that was how i always tried to handle the pain of childbirth. keep us posted – i love finding support from others on my blog. and i’ll be reading your blog hoping for the best.

  5. Jennifer says:

    Welcome to the PMB group. I can’t even imagine the various emotions that go with fertility treatment… and you have to deal with the physical effects too. I wish you all the luck in the world. Hopefully, this time around won’t be as severe.

  6. Sarah says:

    Welcome to the PMB group.
    I’ll be reading and wish you all the best.


  7. incognitomom says:

    I wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your kind words and support. As soon as I’m feeling a little less crazy I will personally respond to each of you. I can’t wait to catch up on everyone’s blog too!

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