Today I took the first dose of Clomid. I’ve been given five pills and have been told to take one a day for the next five days. Now I sit on pins and needles wondering how I will react.
Let me roll back the clock three years. It was October and after three years of fruitlessly trying to conceive Big and I started down the road of fertility treatment (or is that infertility treatment?). I was given Clomid that October too. It was a high dosage to be taken for three days with the dose diminishing on each day. I went nuts. I was anxious, irritable, a raving, screaming, hormonal lunatic. I couldn’t concentrate on the real estate notes I was trying to study to take my state exam. I yelled at no one or at Big if he was home. I actually laid down on the floor and kicked my feet and screamed. It was not a pretty sight. Thankfully, I got pregnant with Shorty and didn’t have to take the dreaded Clomid two months in a row.
Knowing how horrific my experience was last time I have been in a panic about what life on Clomid while taking care of a two year old is going to be like. So far other than some hot flashes it hasn’t been too bad, but it hasn’t even been 12 hours since I took the first pill. I’m guessing that if anything is going to happen it will really kick on this weekend. Then whoa, Nelly, look out! All hell could break loose.
I almost didn’t do take the Clomid this month. Honestly, I’m not sure I’m ready to start trying for another baby. After losing two I’m really scared. But here’s the thing, my next birthday is coming in January. When I had Shorty I said that if I wasn’t pregnant with the next child before this upcoming birthday then I wasn’t having any more kids. Of course, I didn’t write this in blood so I can change my mind but there is this nagging voice in my head (and also Big’s voice next to me) saying it’s now or never. If not this month then when? The real truth is that if I let fear run my life I’ll convince myself that it’s never the right time.
As anyone who knows me will tell you I could make a career out of inventing excuses as to why things shouldn’t be done. Most of the time these excuses are a ploy to hide the fact that I’m scared shitless and about to go out of my comfort zone. So, this time I’ve decided that I’m going to force myself to go beyond the fear and see where the chips fall. I’ll have to take each day and each decision one at a time. Yesterday’s decision was taking the prescription for Clomid that has been sitting in my purse since July to the pharmacy to be filled. Today’s decision was to actually take the pill. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.
I’m going to begin and end each day with a prayer that asks for patience, strength, and peacefulness to help guide me through this. I’m going to pray that my hormones don’t get as out of whack as last time so I don’t scare the daylights out of my child. And I’m going to ask for a bit of luck that all goes as well as it did when we found out we were going to be blessed with Shorty. Wish me luck.