Here’s a glimpse into the antics of our home life …
Act I – Scene 1: Setting is dinner
Big: “Shorty eat your chicken.”
Shorty: “No chicken. No dinner.”
Me: “Oh Mommy’s feelings are hurt because you’re not eating the dinner I made.”
Shorty: “No eat my dinner.”
Big: “Shorty, if you don’t eat some dinner then you’re going to sit on timeout. Do you want to sit on timeout?”
Shorty: “Yeah. Go sit on timeout.”
Big and I roll our eyes and try not to laugh.
Big: Okay, how about this? If Shorty doesn’t eat his dinner then Mom has to sit on timeout.”
Shorty looks momentarily puzzled.
Shorty: “No eat dinner.”
Big: “Okay, Mom, you go sit on timeout.”
Mom sits in corner on timeout and pretends to cry.
Big: “Now Mom is sad. Will Shorty eat some dinner so Mom can get off timeout.?”
Mom cries harder.
Big: “Okay, if Shorty doesn’t eat dinner now then Mom will have to go sleep in the crib.”
Mom cries, and yells, “No sleep in the crib! Sleep in the big bed!”
Shorty looks sorry for Mom and finally eats a bite of chicken.
Big: “Very good Shorty. Now Mom can get off timeout.”
Shorty spits out the chicken.
Big: “Oh no. Mom you must go back on timeout!”
Mom retreats into the corner and begins to cry like an Academy Award winning actress.
Big: “Okay, eat some chicken or else Mom will have to go sleep in the crib.”
Shorty: “Mom’s too big for da twib. Mom only fits in the big bed.”
Big: “You’ve gotta be kidding me. Well, I can’t argue with that logic.”
Me: “Shorty, you’re too smart for your own good.”
Scene ends with Shorty leaving the table with his full plate still sitting there virtually untouched and his parents scratching their heads in defeat.
Act I – Scene 2: Forty minutes later.
Mom and Shorty are in the pantry. Shorty notices a bag of gummy bears.
Shorty: “Pick me up.”
Mom does so because she forgot about the bag of gummy bears on the upper shelf.
Shorty: “Take gummy bears to da basement for Daddy.” <as he swiftly grabs bag and climbs down to make his escape>
Me: “Great, gummy bears for dinner. How nutritious and healthy for the teeth.”
Act II – Scene 1 – later that same night.
Shorty, Big and I are playing with the new Lightning McQueen car, a musical caboose from Thomas trains, and a snowman. (Strange combo I know, but the two year old made up the rules so deal with it.)
We hear a strange beeping noise.
Shorty: “That’s the baby monitor. It’s making Shorty crazy.”
Big and I laugh uncontrollably.
And this, folks, is why Big and I need to keep our sense of humor. Raising a two year old can make any formerly sane parent do things that would make a normal person think they should be committed to an asylum.