This new year is already shaping up to be a doozy and we’re not even out of the first month yet. I feel like I already need a break from worrying.
Big’s company has been doing some quiet layoffs. The once a year, sometimes twice a year, re-org is happening. Big is now finding himself in limbo wondering where exactly he will fit into this new round of musical chairs. We’re not feeling as confident this time about the probability that he will definitely have a chair when the music stops. So, far he has always come out for the better in each re-org that has happened but with the economy being what it is things are way more precarious this time around and it’s looking gloomier than ever.
To prepare for the chance that our one income household may be a no income household we’ve started trying to tighten our belts. The first thing to go were the house cleaners. It’s the quickest and easiest way for us to save money and one of those luxuries that is definitely not a necessity. It was nice while it lasted but it was time to say good bye.
Next is the dining out or ordering takeout habit that I fell back on a little too often. (Did I ever mention that grocery shopping and cooking are two of my least favorite chores?) Now I need to start cutting back on the grocery bills. We tend to buy too many snacks and high priced foods. I am not one of those women that can tell you the price of things. I’ve never had to worry about cost before. But now I find myself price shopping and paying attention to what things cost. I read an article about cutting your grocery bill by planning your meals around what’s on sale that week. I love the concept but I will first have to start planning meals in advance and then actually start reading the circulars that come every Thursday in the mailbox. We’ll see if I can actually pull this off.
Then there is the infertility thing. After two rounds of Clomid and IUI we are still not pregnant. My thirty-eighth birthday was January 13th. As some of you may remember I once had this idea that if I was not pregnant by my thirty-eighth birthday that Shorty would be an only child. Well, guess what? I’m thirty-eight and not ready to call it a day yet. So, Big and I are trying to figure out what to do about that. Our insurance company has a $15,000 lifetime cap on fertility treatments. Counting the go round with Shorty and this time we’ve gone through three rounds of Clomid and four IUIs. So, our balance is less than $15,000. We need to make sure that we leave enough for at least one IVF round if we need it and want to go through with it.
We took last cycle off and are taking this cycle off from all fertility drugs and procedures. We’re thinking maybe one more try with Clomid and IUI then we need to make a decision about IVF, trying on our own, or calling it quits. This is all weighing heavily on our shoulders. We hate the drugs and procedures but we (maybe more me at this point) really want to try for one more child. Meanwhile my clock is ticking louder each day. And of course, we’re praying we don’t lose our insurance because then all bets could very well be off.
Then there is the whole being thirty-eight thing in and of itself. I’m feeling old. I have gained about 12 pounds since this summer and I have done nothing to help get it off. I look like crap. Every article of clothing I own is too tight and feels uncomfortable. I feel like crap too and not just because I look bad. My body aches. I have zero energy. I’m completely out of shape.
So, I’m feeling bad and it would seem that I’m throwing myself a poor me pity party. I’m feeling stressed and a bit depressed. It’s the reason for my lack of blogging and commenting on other’s blogs. I have so much on my mind and I’m in a cranky mood. Nothing I attempt to write is coming out the way I had hoped it would. I’ve started several posts and I have left all of them unfinished.
I know things will eventually work themselves out and that I will feel better soon. In the meantime, I am trying not to spread my crankiness, cynicism, and pity party attitude to everyone else I know both in the real world and in cyberspace. Who knows maybe one of these days I’ll be telling you that I lost 15 pounds, starting exercising, won the lottery, and miraculously got pregnant. Anything can happen, right?