If the following scenarios make you nod your head or laugh then you’re probably a parent …
You have taken a direct pee hit in the chest, face, mouth, or eye and didn’t throw up.
You have used your little pinky nail to scrape boogies or crusties from an infant’s nose.
You have held out your hand and told a little person to spit it there. Nevermind what ‘it’ might be, better in your hand than on the carpet or floor of the car.
You have found dried boogies somewhere on your person that did not belong to you.
You have cleaned throw up from the carpet at 2:00 in the morning and your first concern was not about how you were going to get your carpet clean again.
You’ve walked around with spit up on the back of your shirt and didn’t know it.
You’ve had to stick a Q-tip in a newborn’s rectum to help them poop and then squealed in excitement and relief when it worked. (Yes, I’ve done this, at the pediatrician’s suggestion of course.)
You’ve had poop on your hand and you weren’t as grossed out as you thought you’d be.
You’ve actually tasted breast milk.
You were too tired to care who saw your boob as long as you could make the kid stop screaming.
You’ve cleaned poop out of the tub at least once.
You are no longer phased by wiping someone else’s ass.
You’ve used your spit to clean your kid’s face or make their hair stay down, even though you swore you’d never do that.
You’ve let someone feed you soggy, spit soaked Cheerios or pretzels and you thought nothing of it.
You let virtual strangers see and touch your most private parts and you didn’t care because all you could think was, “Please God, get this baby out of me!”
You no longer feel embarrassed about going to the gynecologist because after childbirth you no longer have any dignity left anyway.
You’ve been newly introduced to one of the male partners at your reproductive endocrinologist’s office and 30 seconds later had your legs in stirrups hoping he could help impregnate you.
Someone has thrown up at the table while you were eating. You stopped eating long enough to clean up the puke and then resumed your meal as if nothing had happened.
You find stale Cheerios hiding all over your house and car.
You’ve had to dig food or other foreign objects from someone’s nose.
You managed not to puke after opening a bottle or sippy cup containing curdled milk.
You’ve found pee in your bed or on your pillow and it wasn’t yours.
You’ve had a normal conversation with another woman while you both had someone sucking on your nipple.
You realize you’re leaking in a room full of people and are trying to gracefully make a quick exit before everyone notices that the front of your shirt is getting darker.
You’ve peed yourself while laughing or sneezing.
Your spouse and you are swapping poopie stories with other couples during a dinner party, with each couple trying to outdo the other with their kid’s bathroom habits. Sadly, you see nothing at all wrong with this topic of conversation.
After enduring all that grossness you still love the person who put you through all that and are willing to do it again.