Have you ever looked your own mortality in the face? Today I had a few moments to ponder this topic. You see I have hypothyroidism. I started taking medication to regulate this condition back in 2003. In the beginning it only took a low dose of medication to keep things under control. But ever since I became pregnant with Shorty the dosage needed to keep my thyroid levels in a good range has steadily increased. I’m taking a pretty high dose these days.
Flash forward to last Tuesday when I had one of my check-ups with my endocrinologist (not to be confused with me reproductive endocrinologist). We discussed how I’ve been feeling lately. I gave her some symptoms that when put together all verify my condition, but are strange considering that my blood work states my thyroid levels are in the range they want them to be. We talked about adding another medication to my daily routine but decided to hold off as Big and I are still kinda, sorta pursuing our attempt to give Shorty a sibling. Then my doctor felt my neck as is routine for these check ups. But this time she felt a fullness that has never been there before. It might be nothing but to be safe she gave me an order to get an ultrasound on the soft tissue of the neck.
Yesterday I had that ultrasound. As I lay on the table while the technician applied the gel and waved the magic wand across my neck I couldn’t help but feel a little scared. For the first time my own mortality became really evident. What if this turns out to be something? Something not good. How will I deal with that? But here’s the thing, what I kept thinking in my head was, “Please God, I have a two year old. Please do not let anything bad happen to me because he needs me. If something happens to me who will be there to do all the things I do for him? I don’t want my little boy to be without me.”
I won’t know the results for a few days so I’m not allowing myself to dwell on this or to get too freaked out. But being on that table brought such a moment of clarity for me. I was reminded that nothing will ever be just about me not even my own health. In fact, I wasn’t my primary concern. My child was and always is. Nothing can happen to me because he needs me. He needs his mother. I didn’t ask God to look over me for me. I asked him to take care of me so I can take care of my child. As long as I am a mother my son will always be first in my thoughts and in my concerns even when what is happening isn’t directly happening to him. It took a moment of looking mortality in the face to really drive that point home. It’s really and truly not about me and it never will be again.