I Can’t Sleep

I think you can learn a lot about a person by what keeps them awake at night.  Here are some things that cause me to lose sleep:

1.  Fire – I am scared to death of it.  I can lie awake for hours worrying about the house burning down and how I would get my family out.  It’s an insane fear I have.  Really I mean, I can honestly be too afraid some nights to close my eyes because I know the moment I do the flames will start.

2.  I have lost many nights of sleep worrying about whether or not my son has autism.  I am scared to death of this diagnosis.  I have spent hours examining every quirk my kid has wondering if it’s a sign that he’s on the Spectrum.  Sad and crazy, I know, but I can’t stop myself.

3.  I’ve lost even more sleep worrying that I am a horrible mother who is messing up her child.  I worry that someday he will need extensive therapy to undo all the damage my mothering has inflicted upon him.  I never feel confident about my mothering abilities.  Is it supposed to be this hard all the time?

4.  My brother – I’ve lost probably several months worth of sleep worrying about him.  First it was sleep lost worrying that he was dead somewhere or in jail.  He’s been in recovery for the last five and a half years.  Now I lose sleep worrying he’ll relapse.  Will I ever stop worrying about him?

5.  I worry about never being able to have another child.  This is tied in with number three as I sometimes worry that the reason I have fertility issues and have miscarried twice is because God is trying to tell me that I am such a bad mother that I don’t deserve to have any more babies.

6.  Marriage – I worry about mine constantly.  It’s not always easy.  Nuff said.

7.  My nephew – I feel horrible guilt over moving out when he was three and not being able to take him with me.  I couldn’t have taken him even if I had tried because I had no legal rights but I still feel like I abandoned him.  I feel terrible every day that I am not there for him and that I’m not able to give him the things I know he should have.

8.  Going crazy – My great grandmother was institutionalized.  I worry that someday I’m going to lose the little bit of sanity I have left and become like her.

So there you have it.  These are some of the things I worry about.  On any given night there might a laundry list of other trivial worries but these are the big ones.  Okay, I showed you mine.  Now show me yours.  What keeps you awake at night?

This entry was posted in Children, Dark Moments, Family, Husband, Infertility, Me, Miscarriage, Mommy Worry, Motherhood, Parenting, Random Thoughts, Secrets, This and That, Worries and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to I Can’t Sleep

  1. Evenshine says:

    Sleep apnia. And flesheating zombies.

    But marriage is good, too.

  2. lora says:

    just about everything that you typed out here is the same stuff that keeps me from sleeping.

  3. faemom says:

    Ah, sweetheart. That’s horrible. I worry about being a bad mom too, but I figured I can always get them a good therapist one day. The thing that keeps me up at night it the “unmentionable fear” that is (I’m sure I’ll have a panic attack for this one tonight) the fear of dying and not being. You’re here one moment, then poof. Nothing, not all the praying in the world calms me down. Add to that leaving my boys and I really freak out.
    Here’s to prayers and meditation to keep the worry-demons out.

  4. melissa says:

    i worry about car accidents. and me dying. i don’t worry about my husband dying – which sounds awful – but my mom was widowed with young kids, so that seems doable to me. but the thought of them growing up without me….

  5. Pingback: A Quick Word to End the Silence « Incognito Mom

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