I’ve become the most absent blogger on the Internet I think. I’ve neglected responding to comments, although I promise for the few of you that do comment I will comment back – just give me a little more time. I know why I’m silent. It’s not from lack of having things to say. I have plenty to say. It’s because the things I have to say are ugly and negative and I am tired of it all.
I’m in a bad place. I mentioned that awhile back. I’m still there and I have never really divulged the true nature of why I am there or how I’m feeling. It’s embarrassing and complicated and besides I don’t want to hurt other people. I’m trying to work it all out in my head. It’s hard and it’s taking forever. And I have excuses out to wazoo.
Excuse me for a moment because I’m going to sound like Oprah. I feel like I’m not sure what my purpose in life is. I feel spiritually empty and lost. I know there is a higher calling for me (oh my God, did I actually just use that phrase?!), but I couldn’t for the life of me tell you what that calling is. But I feel like life is passing me by and I’m missing it. If I were to die tomorrow I honestly wouldn’t feel like I accomplished anything or that I was happy about the time I was here.
I thought being a mother was my calling. Don’t get me wrong I love my son and I do love being a mother. Yet, I’m not getting the joy out of this that I think I should be getting. I’m stressed and unsure about my abilities as a mom almost all the time. I don’t feel like I’m having much fun and I’ve become exactly the kind of parent I didn’t want to be. I also feel terribly alone in all this.
I’ll refrain from going into my marriage because Big likes his privacy and would be pissed if I wrote anything about how I feel about that here where anyone could read it. But that’s a problem in and of itself because I feel like I have no one to talk to about how I am feeling about this marriage and because I am one of those people who usually needs to talk about things. Suffice it to say that’s lonely too.
The infertility stuff piles itself on top of everything else that weighs me down. I do a pretty good job of hiding that pain from most people. With everything else I’ve pretty much given up having another child because I’m not really in a place where I should be bringing another baby into this world of mine. But that thought hurts even more. And the guilt is terrible.
Somewhere along the way, and many years ago before Shorty, before Big, I lost me. I forgot what it is that I like. I’ve been trying desperately to please everyone but in the process I’ve made decisions that aren’t good for me. I’m miserable. And I’ve barricaded myself in so my misery doesn’t infect anyone else. Except it is. It makes Big and Shorty miserable. It makes my family miserable. It leads me to neglect even my closest friends and family. Mostly it makes me miserable. And lonely. So lonely. And angry. I am an angry person.
I suspect it’s depression. I also suspect it’s been stalking me since my early twenties. It comes and goes. And it comes and stays. It’s caused me to pull away from people I loved because I didn’t want to hurt them with all my shit. I feel like there are a million people I need to apologize to for my behavior. I feel like I made a million bad life choices because of these feelings.
So I hide and I withdraw from everything and everyone (except Facebook for some damn reason). I feel trapped and like I have no clue how to even begin taking steps to make everything right again. But I try each day. I think a lot. Too much. I try to find me under all the layers of crap that I’ve built around me over the years.
I’m not sure what this all has to do with this blog but there it is. Now you know why I’m not here very often. See I don’t want to infect any of you either. And I’m not sure I can handle having other people know all this stuff about me. Because, honestly, I’m not sure I could handle it if someone pointed out all the things I really try to keep buried so no one knows just how horrible I am. But I do know that the loneliness is starting to strangle me and I need a shoulder to lean on to help me feel like I’m going to make it out of this mess sometime soon.