Jumbled

I have so many posts rumbling around in my head.  But I can’t seem to get them out.  They’re so big that I don’t know where to begin.  It would be so much easier to just start talking and let it all come out in a long stream of uncensored words.

The thoughts run deep in me.  I’m struggling with being a grown up in a white collar world after spending my whole growing up years in a blue collar one.  There’s guilt.    There’s a sense of relief.  I’m feeling maybe a tad disloyal to my roots and those in my family who are still in the blue collar world.  There’s a feeling like I should be ashamed or that maybe I’m too full of myself or selfish, or snobby, or something.  I don’t feel like I belong in either world.  Am I the only person feeling this way?

I have a post rolling around in my head about this whole preschool to kindergarten thing.  When did it become a prerequisite to worry so much about our child’s success in school before they even officially start school?  All this worrying and stressing can’t be good for parents or kids.  What happened to the days that almost no one went to school until kindergarten and somehow most of us turned out okay.  We learned to listen, sit still, follow directions, read, write, add, interact with other children, etc.  It seems these days every conversation I have with the parents I know revolves around whether or not our children are getting the right preschool environment to prepare them for kindergarten and beyond.  I can’t take it anymore.

I’m turning 40 in about 4 months.  I’ve never felt like any year was as monumental as this one.  Birthdays and years have come and gone and I’ve never thought anything of them.  This year the approach of the big 4-0 has me spinning.  I’ve never been in worse shape physically and I feel like I HAVE to change that.  I’ve started exercising, although I guess you could say I’m not doing too good with it considering I skipped yesterday and instead of exercising right now I’m typing this.  I feel like I need to do something big this year.  I feel like I’ve wasted 40 years and it’s time to make up for that.  I have no idea how to start the make-over but I still feel that way.  Not to mention 40 has me feeling panicky about the whole prospect of never being able to have another child.  I’m so undecided (or more accurately scared shitless) about whether or not I want another child.  I do want one but I have struggled so much with motherhood (both trying to have children and trying to raise them) that I’m scared to go down the path again.  So, yeah, 40 is throwing me for one heck of a loop.

And as if my mind isn’t all chaotic enough now I’m reading these news stories about Asians being the victims of violent acts in Philadelphia.  I’m upset.  My son is half Asian.  What if this violence and hate starts spilling into the suburbs like it usually does.  I didn’t give birth to such a beautiful child so that some horrible, racist coward could hurt him or, God forbid, take him from me.  It’s enough to make a mom crazy. 

This is just a fraction of the mumbo jumbo bouncing around in my brain these days.  I want to pour all my thoughts out on each topic but it seems so overwhelming.  Maybe one of these days I’ll let the flood of words come out.  Better yet let’s all meet for coffee and I’ll get on a soapbox because I can talk so much faster than I can type and I’d love to hear your thoughts on all this craziness in my head.

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This entry was posted in Me, Random Thoughts, Worries and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Jumbled

  1. faemom says:

    Lately I have these Big posts running through my head, but I don’t have the time to write them out. So I totally understand where you’re coming from.

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