I have so many posts rumbling around in my head.  But I can’t seem to get them out.  They’re so big that I don’t know where to begin.  It would be so much easier to just start talking and let it all come out in a long stream of uncensored words.

The thoughts run deep in me.  I’m struggling with being a grown up in a white collar world after spending my whole growing up years in a blue collar one.  There’s guilt.    There’s a sense of relief.  I’m feeling maybe a tad disloyal to my roots and those in my family who are still in the blue collar world.  There’s a feeling like I should be ashamed or that maybe I’m too full of myself or selfish, or snobby, or something.  I don’t feel like I belong in either world.  Am I the only person feeling this way?

I have a post rolling around in my head about this whole preschool to kindergarten thing.  When did it become a prerequisite to worry so much about our child’s success in school before they even officially start school?  All this worrying and stressing can’t be good for parents or kids.  What happened to the days that almost no one went to school until kindergarten and somehow most of us turned out okay.  We learned to listen, sit still, follow directions, read, write, add, interact with other children, etc.  It seems these days every conversation I have with the parents I know revolves around whether or not our children are getting the right preschool environment to prepare them for kindergarten and beyond.  I can’t take it anymore.

I’m turning 40 in about 4 months.  I’ve never felt like any year was as monumental as this one.  Birthdays and years have come and gone and I’ve never thought anything of them.  This year the approach of the big 4-0 has me spinning.  I’ve never been in worse shape physically and I feel like I HAVE to change that.  I’ve started exercising, although I guess you could say I’m not doing too good with it considering I skipped yesterday and instead of exercising right now I’m typing this.  I feel like I need to do something big this year.  I feel like I’ve wasted 40 years and it’s time to make up for that.  I have no idea how to start the make-over but I still feel that way.  Not to mention 40 has me feeling panicky about the whole prospect of never being able to have another child.  I’m so undecided (or more accurately scared shitless) about whether or not I want another child.  I do want one but I have struggled so much with motherhood (both trying to have children and trying to raise them) that I’m scared to go down the path again.  So, yeah, 40 is throwing me for one heck of a loop.

And as if my mind isn’t all chaotic enough now I’m reading these news stories about Asians being the victims of violent acts in Philadelphia.  I’m upset.  My son is half Asian.  What if this violence and hate starts spilling into the suburbs like it usually does.  I didn’t give birth to such a beautiful child so that some horrible, racist coward could hurt him or, God forbid, take him from me.  It’s enough to make a mom crazy. 

This is just a fraction of the mumbo jumbo bouncing around in my brain these days.  I want to pour all my thoughts out on each topic but it seems so overwhelming.  Maybe one of these days I’ll let the flood of words come out.  Better yet let’s all meet for coffee and I’ll get on a soapbox because I can talk so much faster than I can type and I’d love to hear your thoughts on all this craziness in my head.

Posted in Me, Random Thoughts, Worries | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

A Moment

It’s been crazy busy around here.  We celebrated a fourth birthday for some little boy back in early August.  I went a little nutso for the boy’s party but I’ll talk about it another time.  We also celebrated six other family birthdays with one more to go tomorrow.  (Yeah, that’s right we have EIGHT family birthdays in August and September, as well as my in-laws anniversary.  I’m praying for no more babies those two months.   There is no room left on the calendar.)

We also had a death in the family.  Rest in Peace Uncle George.

We took a little trip to Houston to visit Big’s parents.  If you are ever in Houston I totally recommend the Children’s Museumof Houston.  It was awesome!

Shorty and I went on two field trips with his school.  I finally got to check out this place.  What fun.

We’ve had playdates.

An old friend came to visit for a few days and I loved seeing her.  It had been three years since the last time we saw each other.  In those three years I lost two babies and she got divorced and had to sell her home.  As you can imagine we had a lot to talk about.

Big has been away on business travel Monday through Friday every week until this week since I think June.   Both his trips for this week got canceled at the last minute so we’re enjoying having him home for dinner and bedtime.

Shorty started Pre-K at his school and has new teachers.  So far I’m pleased with the class he is in.  (Again a story for another time.)

Shorty also had his first dentist appointment yesterday (yes, Lora I know he should have been there ages ago but teeth brushing is traumatic enough in this house so I waited until we both could handle it.)  I’m happy to say that he did mostly well, except we couldn’t get x-rays because he had issues with the thing they put in the mouth to bite on while they snap the x-ray.  No cavities and all looks healthy and good.

All this to say that right now I’m taking a moment for me to put something on this blog even if it’s not of good quality.  I’m also taking a moment to just breathe and have a cup of coffee.  Sometimes moments are all we get and I’m enjoying mine.  How about you?  Have you had a moment recently?

Posted in Children, Family, Fun, Me, Parenting, This and That | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

If This is Four I’ll Take It!

Everyone always talks about the terrible twos but no one warns you that three is way, way harder.  At least it was in our house.  Shorty’s third year was trying and that is putting it mildly.  There were tantrums, back talk, defiance, bad manners, biting, hitting, not listening, stubbornness, yelling, feet dragging, throwing, testing of limits, and ATTITUDE.  Some days I wasn’t sure I was going to survive the threes.  Some days I felt like someone should have taken my right to mother away and other days I thought maybe I should have Shorty evaluated because surely his behavior couldn’t have been normal.

Shorty turned four on August 8th, and I swear so far it’s like a new kid has come to live with us.  (It’s also been like a new mommy came to live here.)  He has been so much easier to deal with and be around.  Today he cleaned up his toys without being told.  Last night he asked me to please take him to bed, admittedly it was very, very late and his little body was exhausted but still he ASKED to go to bed!  He’s been mostly listening, extremely cuddly and affectionate.  His manners have been better.  There is almost no yelling (well not the bad kind, just the fun over-exhuberant kind).  I’m once again enjoying my time with him.  Seriously, what a difference from the many months in which I felt like the worst mother EVER because I couldn’t handle my own kid and didn’t always like being around him and his attitude.

It’s not just his attitude that has grown for the better.  He’s growing in so many other ways too.  My child is trying to read.  He recognizes some words – I mean he actually asked me what the new store in one of the shopping centers was that had the word ‘book’ on its sign.  (Imagine my shock when I turned to where he was pointing to find a new Bargain ‘Book’ Warehouse.)  He’s starting to write letters.  The other night he was asking me how to spell the names of the Transformers so he could write them on his paper.  He’s doing basic addition.  He counts to like 70.  And he’s started explaining to me the definition of words he knows.  He tells stories (as well as some tall tales that I’ve caught him in).  I’m constantly blown away by how much he knows (and so are his teachers and yes, I guess I am bragging a little bit here.  Forgive me but I’m really proud of him).

It’s still very early in the fourth year so I’m hoping I’m not jinxing things with this post but folks, if this is what four is like then bring it on!

Posted in Changes, Children, Motherhood, Parenting, Shorty | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Ending the Silence

Is it really possible that May 26th was the last time I posted?  Where has the time gone?  It’s been filled with some fun and a lot of just the normal things that days are made of.  We haven’t been on any vacations or fancy trips since our last jaunt to Disney World in May.  We haven’t even been to the beach this year.  That doesn’t mean we haven’t had fun.  We just haven’t made this summer all about running here, there, and everywhere.  Honestly, it’s been mostly relaxing.  Hmm, let me correct that a little – it’s been mostly relaxing if you don’t count the emails and phone calls with the mold people, the birthday party planning for Shorty’s fourth birthday, and the trips to the nice therapist I talk to so I can begin to regain my sanity.

All in all things are good.  No crazy drama and for some reason I am feeling much better than I did only a few months ago.  Even Big mentioned that I’ve been strangely chipper and upbeat lately.  I don’t think it has anything to do with life being less crazy.  I think whatever haze was hovering over me finally moved on.  We still have lots to do to resolve our mold problems and there are still some things that need to be worked out as far as Shorty and my behavior.  My husband has been traveling more than ever so I’m playing single parent, which for some reason hasn’t been horrible.  I need to resume work planning our next trip to Disney this fall.  (We bought into the whole Disney Vacation Club thing.) I also need to do some research and possibly make some changes to Shorty’s schooling.  I’m not sure I’m 100% satisfied with his current school.  I’m not completely dissatisfied but there have been a few things that have bothered me and I feel I need to look into other options so that I feel as if I have done all I can to make sure we’re getting what I think Shorty needs.  We also have a trip to visit Big’s parents in Texas coming up very soon that I need to prepare for.  Yet with all this on my plate I don’t feel stressed (at least not today or the last few days).

This past week I feel oddly prepared to handle life and stronger than I have in a while.  It’s shown in my demeanor and in the amount of patience I have.  I’m hoping this feeling sticks around because I’m so happy to be rid of that other feeling of failure and worthlessness I had going on.

I’m hoping that with the better mood my blogging gets back on track and that I resume interacting with the community of blogging women I once took part in.

Cheers to getting rid of the haze (and say a prayer for me that it doesn’t come back)!

Posted in Blogging, Changes, Me | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Calling All Disney Vacation Club Members

That last post was really depressing and I no longer want it to be the first thing people read when they come here.  And just so you all know that my life isn’t all just crap I’m going to share with you that we just returned from Walt Disney World.  That’s right my little family took a week long vacation to the land of magic.  It was fun and I’ll tell you all about it in my next post (as soon as I finish doing the laundry, grocery shopping, and downloading our vacation photos).  But for right now I’m looking for anyone who currently owns Disney Vacation Club membership or knows someone who does.  Big wants to buy into this.  Sounds fun and great in theory but me being the more cautious partner in this marriage needs to make sure we’d be doing the right thing.

So come out, come out and tell me all about your experiences with this.  Are you a DVC member?  Do you like it, regret it, have words of wisdom for anyone considering it?  Share please.  Give me the good and the bad.  I want to hear it all.  If you prefer not to share on such a public forum then send me a short comment and I will email you back and we can converse in private.

Posted in Disney World, Uncategorized, Vacation | Tagged , | Leave a comment

How About Invisible, Angry Mom?

So, like I did it again.  I just disappeared from the blogosphere without any warning.  I’m down to zero readers so I’m really writing for myself now.

It’s been a rough month.  Parenting has hit an all time low.  Shorty and preschool haven’t been getting along.  There’s been a lot of screaming on the marriage front.  My grandmother has LOST IT!  (Let’s just say when the police, the courts, and social workers get involved because your grandmother is making paranoid accusations about the neighbors and won’t stop making horrible scenes in the lobby of the police department things are not well.)  One toilet leaks, another one doesn’t flush right and is now randomly spewing crap all over the floor, the microwave has died (second one in less than five years y’all.  Aren’t I just lucky?)  We had no hot water for hours yesterday because the circuit kept tripping.  Turns out the circuit kept tripping because the dehumidifier was making it trip (yeah, who was the genius who put the hot water heater and the dehumidifier on the same circuit).  Hot water heater is now working again but the dehumidifier blew up.  Did I tell you we have mold in our house?  Yeah, mold.  On the walls, the rugs, and windows in several rooms.  So, mold and now no dehumidifier.  Oh, and we’re dealing with environmental specialists, and inspectors and engineers and insurance companies and most likely a lawyer too because a house that is less than five years old shouldn’t be having all these mold issues.  Oh, yeah and did I tell you that I’ve already gone through this once with the builders about two and a half years ago and the problem was supposedly fixed, but yeah apparently it wasn’t fixed.  And oh yeah, said builders just filed for bankruptcy so we might be screwed.  And our homeowners has like a mold clause that caps their payout at like $5-10k. (Note to anyone reading go check your homeowner’s policy now and see exactly what your coverage is … I’ll wait …).  Husband and I are fighting over everything.  This, people, is no way to live. 

And I’m stressed.  STRESSED!  I literally am having a nervous breakdown.  So, today I called a therapist.  I have an appointment for next week.  It’s that bad folks.  Really, I cry over EVERYTHING!    Dudes, I almost break down in tears in front of my son’s teachers.  I was a preschool teacher so I know I have become THAT PARENT … you know the one that everyone wants to run and hide from.  (Yeah, I know you’re not supposed to end a sentence like that … sue me, k?)The littlest things are setting me off.  Sadly, since my son is usually the only one around me guess who’s been getting the brunt of my impatience and anger?  Yeah, really no surprise to me that he’s acting out at school after some of the crap that is going on at home.  Can you say GUILT?   Because truly what’s bothering me the most is that my shit is affecting my kid.  My heart is breaking.  So, I’m going to therapy to see what I can do to stop the things I can control and how I can better handle all the crap that is happening that I can’t control.  Because I can’t be like this another week.  I can’t put my child through this another week.   I won’t put either of us through this any longer.

And I’m done … literally I can’t write any more right now because there’s just a big whole inside from all that stuff that just leaked out of me onto this here computer.  I’ll be back again … when?  Who knows?

Posted in Children, Complaints, Dark Moments, Depression, Home, Me, Mommy Worry, Motherhood, Parenting, Uncategorized, Worries | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Help the Babies

 As anyone who sees this blog knows I’m far from (like a zillion miles from) being a big time mommy blogger and I don’t do ads or promos here.  I rarely even tell you about all the give-aways and promos going on at all the blogs I read even when I know the blogger.  But here’s the thing … sometimes there are promos that just need as much help as they can get because they are for the right reasons.  So I want you to go here and help Lora do this good deed.  Trust me, her heart is always in the right place and if anyone can help moms and babies who are in need it’s Lora.  So go now … GO HERE AND READ THIS!   I want you to click on that picture on her blog as many times as you can.  Then I want you to post about Lora’s Community Service Project on your own blog and tell your readers to go to Lora’s blog and click away.  I want you to Tweet it and Facebook it to all your friends too.

What are you waiting for …. GO!

Posted in Advertising, Blogging, Children, Community, Community Service, Facebook, Parenting | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment